Hand full of anger held in my chest
And everything left's a waste of time
I hate my rhymes but I hate everyone else's more
I'm riding on the back of this pressure
Guessing that it's better I can't keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave me something to write on
And the pain gave me something I could set my sights on
I'll never forget the blood, sweat, and tears
The uphill struggle over years
The fearing trash talking and the people it was to
And the people that started it just like you
I want to start with that. It's an except from the lyrics of "Nobody's Listening" by linkin' park. Off their newest album, that's quite honestly incredible from what I've heard.
I havn't posted real content recently. I guess it's because I don't want to tell most of you the things I feel and want to put out here. Some of you have noticed I've been rather angsty and sad with my away messages, things I say, etc. It's because I am fucking sad. Spring break put this webjournal log thing on pause but it didn't stop me from getting fucked. I've been crying for the first time in a long time. Reguarily crying. Like -- to sleep. Into the night I don't find rest untill 1-2 in the morning. I wake up in the middle of the night soaked in my own sweat. Lately I've been wanting to kill myself. Every day that goes by I want to cut my own wrists just to see if they'll bleed out or clot in a message of where I'm supposed to be in life. I cling to Annie for that cosmic answer however. I care about her that much. I know I wouldn't have her and her love if I was ment to die. It's fucking tuff though. Shit -- I'm crying right now. Tonight my dad is having a dinner over his house. I want to go, I want to have some fucking fun and smile with my family. Last night I almost ran out on my family from fucking dinner. I wanted to scream and run away and die. I swear to god I did. I bit my lips and stressed the entire way through fucking dinner. I left as soon as the bill came and went in the car to sob. I pretended I was resting in the sun because it was cold, my family didn't care either way. I don't know what cursed me to love my family so much so that when they were destroyed I had nothing. I was so okay with it in the begining but now I can't sleep because of it. Nothing makes me this unhappy or depressed, nothing. I can't fucking stand this shit though. I'm really truely tired of all of it and I want it to go away. The only time I can even be slightly more happy is when I'm with Annie and I don't want to bring this on her too. I'm not even eating reguarily anymore. As a matter of fact it just dawned on me in the last 3 days I've had a potato and a peice of bread. I hate being this way. I want to get over it... I know me being like this dosn't help Annie and probibly dosn't help anyone else. I've never felt this way in my entire life. Not even when I was so alone, when I was fucking up everything. My parents would still sit down and talk to me, still try and help me. Now my mom dosn't care. She's massively homophobic of me and dosn't care anymore. My dad is good to me but my mom hates him. Plus he wouldn't understand what I'm going through, he'd reason it out for me like a father and wouldn't really help. He still atleast loves me, that's what I like about him. He knows I'm depressed. He can see it in me and that's not a good thing. My mom dosn't care if I do anything, however since I missed school today she will probibly be all over my ass. It was mainly my fault, I think I just slept through her warnings and she just left. Not like it matters, I'm fucked - I'll be lucky to graduate. I hate that though, I want to do well.......
Oh well, things are very fucked up right now. I don't want them to be but what more can I do. I guess laying down isn't an answer but it keeps me from doing stupid shit. I'm supposed to see Annie today. I'm praying to god my mom won't make me stay inside because of my school shit. If she does I don't know what I'll do. I want to see her so badly my throat closes in tears when I think about how much I miss her. I want to just fucking die off this planet, but I stay for her... I know this sounds fucked up, but I do really wish for death but at the same time want a life with her. It's really horrible what I feel, and I don't want to even feel it...
Oh well, I've abstained from cutting, drugs, drinking, theft, fighting, or anything else that people don't want me to do. What's suicide tagged onto a list of things I think about but never touch to me...?
You're all good people, I love you. May your gods bless you, and bless me in turn.
jon-paul -