Ragh. This would be 2nd period, if not for the NRT people sitting in my fucking world history room.

I've been "angsty" as alex says it, lately. It's just thoughts, it's not overwhelming, it's not so great I can't stand it, but it's there. It's been welling deep inside me and it's nice to get it out. I like some of the stuff I write, it makes me grin at the sentences, similes and metaphors I can put together. A play on words is my only friend late at night. 7th period, which we had first today, was great. We watched happy gilmore. The entire time I had my orange book out, ready to write. Ready to put felling down on the reprocessed wood pulp that was squeezed into thin sheets for my own convience. Don't worry, I'm no fucking hippie.

But fuck, yesterday... Christ yesterday I tread new ground. I opened dusty books and doors on rusty hinges as IM after IM went back and forth between me and Annie. All kinds of shit that dosn't get said any other way, to any other one. I think now, more than ever, that we will truely be together for a very, very long time.

This shit is getting to me. I find myself hanging out in the grey corners of my mind, thinking what "could be" and what isn't. I'm snapping. Slowly but surely this entire thing is just breaking apart and no matter how many times I say okay or I'm fine it's not. My life is burning down. Slowly but surely like Nero's rome my mother is fiddling away uncaring that I'm going fucking insane. Seriously, insane. I've got to find something, someone to grip onto. There is a road of life and I am stagnant. I've finally picked myself up and even after a few days it seems like my ankles are still clipped and if I step I will just flop to the ground. I see annie with me there too, on the ground. I have to pick her up, I can't move on without her being strong. I'm not going to get better if she gets worse, it's not something I can come to do. It's getting better though, everything is. Better than it was.

I want to be left alone. I wish life was easy, ya know? I wish if it was even a little hard that it was less hard than it is now. It wouldn't be so terrible if things were just a tiny bit less worse for me. I'm a failure and a loser. I know I am. I've been riding on the tails of D's and F's my entire life in Florida. I celebrate at a C when I know I could make an A. I'm smart enough to talk about the situation in Iraq but I'm too dumb to fucking do 12 problems on a spanish worksheet. I'm an idiot savant of a new breed I guess. I can't even play video games like I used to. The only thing I thought I could do well is be a boyfriend now I'm failing at that. I try though, I know that school is so far gone I need to hold on to what I have, but new things are all there, my grip is just loosining. I've got to grab on more to what I know I can do well. I don't know what else to say except... Annie is the only good thought in my day. She's the only thing that makes me wake up and get going and moving and trying to do the things I do. I can't stand to see her falter because I am her. It is the life I lead now that is nothing but me trying to take after her success. But also, unfortunetly, her failures. I'm a reticent person except for when I talk to her. Christ, I don't even know why I'm writing this all here, probibly because my pen is broken, and I've only got a few pages left in my book.

Just -- fuck. Bear with me. Don't mind my mood swings or when I don't pay attetion. I'm sorry, I really am. The only person that would still listen to me, and be there for me, is falling down the same hole as me. It's got to stop, got to end. I'm fucking tired of this, I want no more and I won't have it. I'm finally back on my feet and I want to stay that way, I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want to hurt another. I don't want to bleed, I don't want to cry.



Freedumb of the mind, ignorance would make me numb, so why did I have to realize the world and feel?
-jp out.